Falling
by MRACR
Summary: Jeb's...gone. I know it but the little kids won't even think about it. And...I can't handle the pressure. I have to be leader but I can't do it. I'll fail them all, unless I can break away first. [Max & Fang,oneshot,what happened when Jeb left,some fax]


_Falling, falling._

_Always falling._

The rain wouldn't stop; for three days now. It knew what happened. I knew what happened, too. The kids didn't think about it—wouldn't believe it yet.

But I knew. So did Fang, I think.

Jeb was gone forever.

The kids were watching TV in the other room; I didn't know where Fang was. I was fine where I was, though, in my room, just staring out the window.

Occasionally a tear would drip down my face, even though I didn't want it to, and tried to stop it. Why did he have to leave already? I was only twelve! I couldn't handle being the leader yet. But everyone was counting on me.

_Maybe…maybe he didn't die?_ said a very small voice in my head, the one that wouldn't give up hope. _Maybe he'll come back to us, and be our—our dad again. And then we can be a family still._

Other thoughts went through my head, about moms and siblings and families. That one small part of my brain that was always dreaming of what could be. In all of those scenarios, I always ended up happy. The whole flock did. But would I end up happy? Probably not.

I couldn't see through the rain, so I looked up at the clouds, and just _prayed_ that whatever happened to me, my flock would always be safe, and happy. Someday, happy.

I knew from TV that bottling things up wasn't good, but I couldn't help it. Every time I'd try to reach out, I just couldn't. I couldn't speak out in front of the little kids, and even Iggy and Fang…well, I just couldn't. There was no one who could hear me, who would understand me, who would help me.

And I was their leader; I couldn't let them down, any of them.

_Why can't I belong? Belong somewhere, to someone? It's wrong! It's just wrong! I shouldn't have to be the leader! I'm not old enough, I can't handle it! It's not _FAIR!"

My tears turned to anger, like they always did. I needed to get out of there. I jumped off my window seat, found my way to a door without encountering any of the flock—my flock. I stepped outside, closing the door silently. I remembered when I'd first learned to fly.

"It's ok, Max, you've practiced. You can do it," Jeb had said. His voice still echoed in my mind. I wondered how long I'd be able to keep it before I lost it.

I jumped off the cliff, and spread my wings. I was doing it! Learning to fly, and it was really me!

"Just remember, never fly in the rain," Jeb had said.

I hung my head. Too bad. I needed to get away. So I took off.

Back then, when I first learned to fly, I knew I'd do whatever it took to fly high enough to reach the sky, one day. Not literally, of course.

Now I just wished I could get away from it all; I'd never change the world, make a difference, be a celebrity. And I didn't really want to anymore.

I just wanted to be free.

So I was taking a chance by flying out in this rain—a change from my usual sensible self. I had to get away, even though I knew I could never leave my flock.

My wings started to feel all heavy and weighed down, so I flew up suddenly through the clouds, and into the sunlight above them. Light poured over me, wind starting to dry my feathers.

But even seeing the sun again…I would never forget Jeb. One of the few people I'd ever loved.

I took the risk, the chance of getting my wings weighed down too much and falling; I couldn't stand the sunlight any longer, and I needed someplace to land for a bit. So I dove back down into the rain, changing my course to head towards a big tree.

All I wanted was to get away, break away from it all. But I knew I never could.

I landed on the tree, arms around my knees, huddling against the storm, letting my mind wander to a happier place. Where I imagined I wanted to be right now.

_Where _do_ I want to be right now? I want to be somewhere far away—out of the rain…I want to feel a warm breeze. And maybe an island, like I saw on that one show, with lots of palm trees to sleep under, right by the ocean, so I could drift off listening to the sound of the waves…_

I wanted to do so many things, but I knew I'd probably never leave my house in Colorado. I had to stay, always, never getting to go anywhere.

I wouldn't get to drive in a car, or ride on a train, or even figure out what being in a plane was like compared to flying. A plane that could take me far, far away. To my island…

The clouds were clearing up and I didn't know why. They couldn't just go like this and leave me behind! Frustrated, I leapt off the branch and snapped out my wings, speeding straight up into the air. I leveled off and spread my wings wider, feeling as free as when I first learned to fly.

_Except I can never be free._

But I wished with all my heart that it wasn't true, taking a chance in letting out my emotions, the ones I didn't like, and shouting to the rapidly clearing sky, "Please!"

The sun came back out again briefly through a break in the clouds, too bright.

Wet, cold, but no longer in the dark, I started circling back around our house, hoping no one would see me if I stayed high enough. I couldn't go too far, I knew, or I might never come back. And no matter how much I wanted to be free, I couldn't leave the flock. They were even younger than I was, and needed someone to be there for them. I was sure that eventually I'd get used to it.

For now I just wanted to leave it all behind.

I closed my eyes as the clouds drifted back over and lightning struck somewhere near. I envisioned myself exploring a city, tall buildings, hundreds of floors high, with those revolving doors, elevators and passageways taking me to all kinds of interesting places.

I didn't care about the storm, I just kept moving, moving on ahead, getting wet and nearly electrocuted but I didn't care. Flying around in circles, eyes still closed, I didn't care.

I just wanted to fly away.

But I couldn't learn to let go, to spread my wings and just fly far away from it all. I couldn't do it, I knew I couldn't do it.

_Why not?_

_Because you need them. _Now I was talking to myself, taking a risk in being insane while flying with my eyes closed.

_No, they need me._

_They don't need you. They never needed you. They have Fang and Iggy, they can take care of themselves. Take a chance and just believe me. I'm you._

_You don't sound like me. I wouldn't talk like that. I know I'm needed._

_I am you, and no you're not. They don't need you at all. Just go out for a change of scenery, find somewhere—a nice island to relax on._

That sounded so good right then.

"Max!"

My head whipped up and my eyes opened to find the twelve-year-old boy just about to crash into me, even though I could hardly see him through the storm.

"Max, where are you going?" he was a bit wide-eyed, as if he'd actually heard that I was thinking about leaving. That I was actually leaving. Starting right now. Or maybe he was just worried about me being in the storm, about to be fried.

"I'm leaving!" I screamed, my too-high voice hoarser than I thought it would be. Tears started leaking down my face.

"No, you can't! You can't leave," Fang said. "You can't leave us, Max, we need you. Why would you leave?"

"No one needs me!" I screamed, or tried to. I couldn't scream, though, my voice wouldn't go that high or that loud. It came out like a strangled screech, but I didn't care.

Fang tried to grab my wrist and get me down to where it was safer, but his grip wasn't that hard and my skinny little wrist got out of it.

"Everyone needs you, Max. How could you think we don't?"

"I thought you all needed me once, and that I had too much responsibility and I could never be free because—because…" I was having a hard time saying his name. I always did. "Because, you know, _he_'s gone and I have to take over and it's too much but I just realized none of you need a wreck like me! And it's not easy—it hurts so much to say goodbye, but no matter how hard it is, I have to. I'm leaving and you have to tell the flock that I'm not coming back! When I'm done with the island and the breezes and the doors and the trains and my palm trees and there's nothing left to do then I don't know. Maybe I'll—maybe I'll kill myself."

Fang tried to interrupt my insane ramblings by getting me to the ground, to shelter. I wouldn't have none of it.

"NO! I'm not going back and you can't make me! I'm going to get out, no one needs me!"

"Max! Why won't you listen?" Fang had been wrestling with me in the air, trying to get me to calm down, but I wouldn't. I could read the fury and the confusion and the sadness all in his eyes, staring me down.

"I won't forget you all, I'll never forget you, or this place!" I said, trying to get away from him. I needed to leave now before I changed my mind and was stuck here forever with people who didn't care about me.

Maybe I was going insane, but I didn't care. I just didn't care, I needed to get away.

In the middle of another loud crash of thunder, I did a sort of flip in the air, taking the risk of hitting Fang, but needing to get _away. _Right _now._

Fang grabbed me again as a blinding lightning bolt nearly hit us, and managed to pull me into a hug in the air, crushing my wings so that I couldn't fly. Somehow he managed to carry me, squirming and all, down to the ground. Safety, even with the lightning storm still raging above us. At least we weren't in it anymore. But I needed to go.

We were on the ground, but Fang hadn't let go. He was still crushing me in a hug. He was no taller than I was, and probably not much heavier, but I guess he was certainly stronger.

"Max, you can't leave. You can't leave the flock, or me. We need you, I need you. I promise. I don't know why you want to leave, but please don't," he was whispering, and in listening to him, I'd stopped struggling.

"I have to—"

"No, Max, you don't. It's been hard on you, I guess, more than everyone else. But I need you. I can't keep the flock together and safe without you. And if you weren't here then I probably wouldn't be, either." Fang was being the sweetest, most mature I'd seen him yet. I guess he was growing up. But I still wasn't convinced. I think I was still a little crazy.

"I need to get away, I have to break away from here and be by myself! Away from…" I trailed off, suddenly so tired I could hardly think. I don't think I'd been doing much of that anyway.

"Yeah, Jeb's gone, and it's a lot of work, but I'll help. I promise," Fang said, not letting me go. He really needed me?

Like he could sense my question, he said, "I do need you, Max. The whole flock does. But we'll be there for you, too. We're all in this together. Always."

I didn't have the strength to fight anymore; I didn't even have the strength to stand. I practically collapsed and Fang sat down on the ground, holding me in his lap.

Then, suddenly, I was sobbing. I couldn't stop. I didn't want to cry in front of Fang but I couldn't help it. He just put his arms around me and let me cry. "But…but have to—get away…find…don't have any family…have to find—have to find somewhere," I said in between my sobs.

"It's ok, Max, it's gonna be ok. You don't have to leave, we're your family. If you want to go somewhere, we can all go," he tried to comfort me.

"Have to break away from…from everything," I mumbled, tears still flowing freely.

"No," he said. "Stay here, with us. We love you. Please."

I realized I couldn't fight him, and then realized that I didn't want to. Maybe I was getting sane again; Fang was bringing me back to sanity. He was going to help me. It was my family, I needed them and they needed me. It would all be ok, somehow. We could all be together, help each other.

"Ok," I said into his shirt.

He hugged me tighter, the rain still beating down on us, and I don't think either of us cared. Fang usually didn't show what he was thinking, but he must really not have wanted me to go.

_I'll stay. But someday—someday, I promise, we will all break away._


End file.
